Yesterday I decided to make some Christmas cookies. I'd been promising Javen for over a week that we should make them together. After a little PW search I found
these.
Here's a list of what went wrong:
1. The recipe calls for shortening (yuck) which I never use. My Granny gave me most of the contents of her pantry when I moved to TN a little over 5 years ago and I inherited the largest container of Crisco known to man. Don't ask me why I've kept it all these years. (Granny, I guess that's a bit of you coming out in me? Holding on to pantry goods forever? Haha) Anyway, did you know that shortening can expire!? It's possible! It turns into this petroleum smelling super glue like substance. So yes, apparently shortening can be even more disgusting than it already is.
That should have been my first clue to quit while I was ahead. I substituted butter for the shortening and moved on to the next step...
2. Lemon zest. This is where I proceeded to zest my fingers off. (
Slight exaggeration.) Only 2 fingers....and really one finger was only a nick. The other finger got the brunt of the zester.
(Note to self: pitch zester.) I knew it was bad before I even looked down to see my blood dripping on the counter. My head started spinning, my body started shaking and I felt immediately drained of all energy. I thought I was going to pass out, so I sat down on the floor and texted my friend Erin, and called Jake. Somewhere in the midst of all this I managed to grab a couple paper towels and apply pressure to my throbbing finger. Javen (who was helping in the baking process) abandoned ship and went in the living room to play trains. Long story short, we deducted stitches were not in order for me to keep my finger and I pressed on with the cookies despite the pain.
I realize I may sound a bit dramatic about my reaction to this injury. I'm normally not such a wuss, but this gash just shook me to the core. I guess I zested a pretty deep wound as my finger is purple today...moving on.
3. Liam woke up from his nap and the boys played while I had my back turned and all attention on rolling out dough and cutting Christmas shapes. They simply destroy the house. Every toy they own is on the living room floor. The contents of my tupperware cabinet are strewn about the kitchen. Lunch crumbs are tossed about. My house has never looked so bad. But they're entertaining themselves so I do my best to take advantage.
Side note: See the floors? If you squint and tilt your head just right you can make it out underneath all those toys. Gross carpet is gone!
The cookies are finally in the oven and I step back to further survey the damage.
Yikes. Notice the open empty cabinet? That's where the tupperware belongs. Yes, the laptop is essential for baking. Pandora and the PW Cooks website.
A few things about the above photo:
1. Apple juice is not part of the recipe for cookies. It is part of the recipe for happy, hydrated children.
2. Empty glass pickle and other assorted jars are for a Christmas project in the works.
3. I just bought that rolling pin two days ago. Before the rolling pin I'd used a round glass cup. For 5 years. I'm like a bonafide baker now, right?
4. The recipe only yielded about 18 cookies. I should have doubled it. Also, maybe it's due to how much I resent these cookies for causing me to (nearly) lose a finger and destroy the cleanliness of my house, but I just don't think they taste that great. At least...not great enough to warrant the mess I had to clean up.
Next time, I'm marching myself right down to Kroger, picking up a roll of pre-made sugar cookie dough and poppin' those suckers in the oven.
It just goes to prove what I've always known about desserts: If it doesn't involve chocolate, it's not worth the time, effort and calories.
Amen.